We’re Related?

I’m the last surviving member of my immediate family. I have a few first cousins that are only Facebook friends. I don’t even have any contact with my only nephew and niece. I feel like I’m a decent person but my anxieties and depression hold me back. Being disabled for the past 10 years hasn’t helped either. I feel like my entire life has been a failure. Why did my line of the family get the short straw? Since I’m not close to any remaining family members, I found that the We’re Related application from Ancestry.com developers very interesting finding many famous cousins.

Through some of my famous cousins ranging from 4th through 9th, I realize we share some traits that made us who we are. I’ve always been interested in music and proud to be cousins with Jim Morrison, Willie Nelson, Avril Lavigne, Dolly Parton, Blake Shelton, Johnny Cash, Christina Aguilera, Carrie Underwood, Kanye West, and Michael Jackson. I feel that my love of all music types is inherited from my relatives.

My next love is writing. I wrote more when I was younger but share the love with Jane Austen, Stephen King, Mark Twain, and Edgar Allan Poe.

Leadership from thirteen presidents, many politicians, and even billionaires Bill Gates and Warren Buffett have influenced me throughout my life.

Another love is movies and have numerous famous cousin actors as well. Some include Katharine Hepburn, Robert De Niro, Kevin Bacon, Blake Lively, Shailene Woodley, Brad Pitt, Meryl Streep, and Johnny Depp.

Innovators including Thomas Edison and Henry Ford explain some of my love of trying to make things better but with no success as they did.

So why my Love/Hate feeling? I feel that I always had potential and didn’t make use of my skills before my ailments took control over me. I hate how my life turned out now only living disability paycheck by paycheck. My credit sucks and owe more in taxes and credit cards than I’ll ever be able to pay back. This is my own problem and take full responsibility for poor decisions. Having famous relatives hasn’t helped me but maybe why I love and hate them, or at least a little jealous. I love that we share some blood and very proud. Every person has potential, try your best everyday and maybe one day you’ll become famous for being you.

(Sorry I was very grumpy writing this today and definitely not close to my potential if my ADHD and other ailments weren’t kicking in)

Pain

It’s been over a year since my last writing. I always think about writing when I’m miserable and need to rant. I’m pissed off how you practically have to beg for pain medicine now from your doctor while the abusers can get theirs no problem. Yes, something needs to be done against the abusers and doctors shouldn’t have to punish those that actually need them by limiting or cutting the prescriptions off.

I’ve been on pain meds for maybe 15 years and a few months ago my doctor cut me off. Finally I was able to get a new prescription today. It is for a different, less powerful pain medication but better than nothing. Hopefully, I won’t have an issue getting it renewed every month until my next visit in 3 months. I have too many health issues to list but probably named some in older posts. It’s like doctors are stupid that maybe my depression partially comes from being in miserable pain every day. I really don’t know what I may have done if I didn’t get some help today. I haven’t been suicidal since 2007 but thoughts were returning.

I have to stay in the moment and not stay stuck in the past or worrying about tomorrow. Yes, my DBT therapy helped a few years back and need to get refocused on that training. Pain does change you in many ways. Pain can make you depressed, irritable, feel hopeless, and just be afraid of life altogether because you don’t know if things will ever improve. God willing I’ll try to write again soon and not wait another year! Rant over…

Memories

Holidays are always rough when family or friends are no longer with us. My first experience was when I was 11 when my grandmother passed on Thanksgiving day. That was rough on me but nothing that’d come later in life. Other family passed including my dad in my 20s that hit me harder afterwards because we weren’t that close. We had no “normal” holidays after that.

As a family we became further apart except for my mom and middle brother. I am the youngest of three brothers. As holidays went on it was mainly the three of us. In 2008, I lost a close childhood friend and realized that I’m now what I used to consider old in my early 40s. About one month later my middle brother unexpectedly passed away that devastated me. We were five years apart but couldn’t be closer. This one kills me the most, still today, he was the best brother anyone could ask for. About two months later I was laid off from my job of 17 years right before my birthday. Things were going from bad to worse in my life.

Five months later my mom passed away in early 2009. I can’t remember if I started to get professional help with depression before or after this. In retrospect, I took away some positive after getting laid off, that I was being able to spend more time with my mom before her passing. I was the only one left among the main three. My oldest brother that was seven years older passed away in 2012. The thing that was really messed up about this, I didn’t even hear about it until six months afterwards. I still haven’t seen my sister-in-law, nieces, and nephews since. I’m hoping one of these days I will, sooner not later.
I am thankful for new friends as well as old. Time does partially heal the heart but the memories and love will always remain, especially during the holidays.

Music and Writing

I’ve loved music my entire life as well as writing.  I haven’t wrote in my blog for quite awhile now and miss it.  Most of the time I just forget but it really brings me enjoyment.  I’ve been playing a music trivia game for the past few weeks and ran across Diamond, who is a real gem!  Many good memories flooded back when I used to write just by her enthusiasm of music and writing.  I am excited to start again.  It’s nothing that will bring me fame or fortune but it will bring me happiness.  I’m positive her singing/writing will bring fame and fortune one day, if not, a career in helping others will be in the cards.
So it’s like I’m making a full circle return to my youth in my return to writing.  Now I just picked a bad week being a holiday one.  God knows I need a little more happiness in my life so I’m sure glad I got inspired again.

It’s real

I’ve suffered with ADHD my entire life and was not diagnosed until my forties. It explained a lot of how frustrating life was to me growing up and still is. I get distracted by a pin drop a mile away and have all the symptoms in the above graphic. It kept me from writing for about 2 years now in this blog. I completely forgot about it and apologize to anyone who wrote comments to old posts without any response from me. Things have continue to be rough for me but have pretty much conquered my major depression.

It was a rough 7 years of hell for me. I haven’t taken any prescription drugs for a year now for depression. I didn’t plan it that way but just couldn’t afford them anymore. I was on so may different meds, I can’t even remember most of them besides the last one Brintellix that worked the best for me until I had to stop. They say that meds only work so much, well they are right for prescription drugs for me…the best was maybe 50% if that. My one good friend sent me some information about natural supplements that worked along with information about studies how well it worked. I looked them up and were reasonably priced (under $10 on the online vitamin shops) and tried them. It took a few weeks but since about October last year I felt better than I had in many years.

I wanted to start a new blog under a different name and bought a web address but still haven’t got it up. It’s http://www.colorlessnoise.com. I think the name symbolizes mental illness to me. It can affect anyone and is very distracting for you and others in your life. I’m going to try to get that up and running soon and may not return to this blog or set it up to copy posts back to this one. I want to concentrate on more positive than negative issues and will not be political correct. I love this Accepting Reality name too and had a website with that name too but couldn’t afford to keep it up.

Wow, I’m so scattered on writing and almost forgot about the main reason I started writing this post about ADHD and mental illness. There has been a lot of news the past few years about individuals suffering with mental illness and using guns to kill other people. I don’t think it’s an illness that does that, or at least in my case with major depression. I only wanted to kill myself, not anyone else. Not sorry I didn’t put Trigger Warning for that but don’t get me started on political correctness (this post is about mental illness, duh…). I think they are just using that excuse for our sorry state of the court system. It just makes the stigma worse for people who actually have mental illness and end up not to get help.

Besides stigma, there is other reasons why people don’t seek help or continue to get help. Money was the main reason for me. I couldn’t afford my co-pays for psychiatric, therapists, and prescription medicines. Money management is bad for most with mental illness and very bad for me. If our government is so concerned about mental illness they should make insurance companies provide mental help assistance for free as well as medicine to treat the illness. Their may be services that offer free assistance but I never found them and if I did, probably wouldn’t qualify for assistance (same thing for my prescriptions). Well, I have a bad headache from my blood pressure meds and can’t get one to work without any side effects so I think I’m done ranting for today.

Downward Spiral

I have been feeling worse daily for the past few weeks.  I know this feeling and have been there before.  How can I keep from falling further?  I’m glad I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and it really comes at a good time for some help.

I’m keep on getting further in debt, medical bills keep coming, prescription costs are outrageous, as well as the regular bills.  My credit cards are filling up and know making the minimums will be a problem within a few months.  I waste money on fast food and pizza because it is too hard to get around in most stores.  I’m so tired of being in pain and having minimal pain relief from pills.

 I can’t stand listening to all the lies and part-truths the politicians keep saying.  I like some of what Romney stands for but I feel that Obama is the better person to help people like me, needing health care and hopefully one day I’ll get better and go back to work. I think my and many other futures will be  better with Obama.  If I can’t stop my spiral though, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

 

The only moment you have

“The past is already gone and can’t be changed. The future is yet to arrive and is completely unknown. The present moment, this very moment now, is ultimately the only moment you have.” ~Shamash Alidina (Mindfulness for Dummies)

Few understand

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many with chronic pain or mental health issues remain silent because if you tell someone, they hear your words but do not understand what you are going through.  Trying to tell a loved one that doesn’t understand not only hurts, it is very painful causing us to recluse even more.

For me, I continue to seek help from my psychiatrist and therapist.  I have also gone to a few support groups but one I was interested in was too hard for me to get to the conference area.   They were very helpful and I could call when I got there and they would get a wheel chair for me but I do not like to make a scene or be a problem.  I would like to go to another location to see if I can get in easier than the other one.

I value the friendship of a few people I know that are going through some of the same issues.  It is so hard to find someone just to talk to vent out your problem of the moment and have them understand the pain and frustration.  For anyone having issues that do not have support, I greatly encourage you to find a therapist and ask if they can suggest any support groups that they know of that are good in your area.  I know I am better off by doing this myself.  I was scared to open up at first about my problems because I was so used to no one understanding.  I was very surprised how much I opened up after listening to others in the group.  We are all going through hell but battling different devils.

Pain as your teacher

 

 

 

 

A little over two weeks ago I mentioned in a post that I fell and needed stitches in my right foot.  I had the stitches removed on Thursday and was surprised it didn’t hurt.  They told me since it was such a deep gash, it didn’t heal in the middle and will have to heal from the inside out.  I wish they would of told me that at the ER that this was a possibility.

I felt like a failure for it not healing better than it did.  I know I shouldn’t but it just feels like everything is so damn hard for me.  This has been just another problem added on to my already enormous list of items I have to cope with.  I need to clean but my back hurts, I would like to read but can’t concentrate, I would like to write more but my hands hurts, I would like to do so many things that I keep putting off that eventually I lose interest.

I know I have to accept some of my issues and know that better days are ahead.  I need to keep my head up, know my limitations, have more awareness of my surroundings, and eventually I’ll have a better day.  How do I know?  I have gone through this so many times and know I will bounce back.  It may be painful today but we learn from it and it does get better.  I just wish I had a fast-forward button though for times like this.

There comes a time

Very wise words.